Sunday, November 20

Pei Ling gave me this book, How The Animals Do It, when we went out on Friday. She says these books are condemned books. Huh.

You see, she had just joined the National Library Board, then it just happened that they had this book which they could not put up on the shelves. You see, these book are meant for kids, but they decided that it was not suitable. No joke.

It was a good read, but no, kids need parental guidance, if you ever want your kids to know how animals do it. But then, maybe they should already know how (gasp!) humans do it, or else they wouldn't understand this book. Some of the R(A)-ed words appear almost every other page on this book, like ejaculation, masturbate, sperm etc. Now you know why. It's not like the Madagascar movie, the animal sing, "I like to move it, I like to do it." DIfferent, ah. Lols.

Since I'm so impressed by this book, I'll put in some excerpts on how some animals do it:

"A female seahorse sticks it to the male, and he gets pregnant! An ovulating sea-mare wastes no time. She grabs a nearby stallion with her tail and leads him in a swaying courtship dance up to the water's surface. Once there, she extends a special appendage, through which she discharges her eggs into a pouch on the male's belly. He releases sperm within his pouch. And there inside Daddy the eggs incubate until hundreds of little seahorses come galloping out. But which does he apply for: maternity or paternity leave?"

"In the Antartica, things don't really get hot until it's down to 55 degrees Celsius below zero. During the long winter nights, penguins pair off. A male courts his sweetheart by offering gifts: a shiny stone, or (if he's cheap) a piece of snow. If she accepts, the couple remain together for the rest of the breeding season. She lays a single egg. He fertilises it, and tucks it between the top of his foot and the fat of his overhanging belly to keep it warm. Then he stands there in that one spot, neither moving or eating for six weeks at a stretch, while his mate is free to do as she pleases. Talk about a sensitive new age type of guy!"

"When dogs do it, nothing can tear them apart. Once a male goes in, he can't pull out. A dog's penis has special folds on it. When it becomes erect, the folds fan out, like the threads on a screw, holding him firmly in place inside the female's vagina until the act is finished. Premature retraction can cause severe pain and lesions, or may even fracture the penis. Not to do what it would do to her insides. Clearly, the Early Withdrawl Method is not an option for Fido and Fifi."

"Lawyers hate swans. These big birds are strictly monogamous and mate for life, with a divroce rate of under one percent. They enjoy their marriages, too, normally waiting two or three years after pairing up before having children. Even 'remarried' widows or widowers wait several years after their second marriage to breed. The day the long honeymoon is finally over, the husband gently caresses his darling's head and neck while whispering soft, sweet cries in her ear, then moves behind her and ... well, give her his goose. Then along come the baby cygnets and the family lives together happily ever after. No wonder fairy tales are full of swans rather than ducks (see the entry for 'Ducks' - they rape!)."

"Contrary to the obvious pun potential, kangaroos do not 'hop' on each other for sex. Actuallly, she crouches on all fours and he does it 'in the outback'. Males box one another during mating contests. Winners get to mate with several females in the group. But losers needn't worry: they'll get another chance quicker than they can see 'didgeridoo'. Kangaroo foetuses don't remain inside for long. After only a few weeks in the womb, the immature joey crawls out (of) the vagina and up into mother's pouch, where it continues its gestation. Several days later, mother is all ready to mate again. And the guys? They - what else - jump for joy!"

"Starfish are into group sex. A female sheds her eggs into the surrounding water, and in doing so, triggers a mating frenzy. When one female starts spewing eggs, other females in the area are stimulated to do the same, while the local males release clouds of semen. In the resulting carnal soup, eggs are fertilized and larvae form. This mass orgy may even be touched off by a female being accidentally crushed or squeezed. Sttarfish also reproduce by breaking off limbs. When one of the either sex loses an appendage, a new arm grows in its place. At the same time, a new starfish also grows from the severed arm. Talk about a real chip off the old block!"

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